Time for my picks and pans for the Super Bowl ads. I was watching them to see how effective they would work on me to entice me to buy their products. So here is my harsh review from a consumer’s standpoint.

Poorly Done Ads

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Everyone was abuzz about the Volkswagen: Darth Vader Kid ad. I thought it was lame. I was not enticed to buy the car. If the big selling feature was that you could remote-start the car to play a practical joke on a naive little kid, then I guess the joke is lost on me.

Next up for lameness is the Chrysler Eminem. Do I want to buy a car from a 3rd-world country? They made a big deal about it coming from Detroit, and if I were to buy a luxury car, I’d be very hesitant to let my neighbors know it came from a place where people are leaving at a record place (no offense people from Detroit… I love you all). But come on… if you have no pride in your city, you shouldn’t attach it’s name to the products that you make there. Fix your city first, then maybe the connection to the car will be a good analogy. It is like Chrysler is trying to convince the Federal Government that it is doing its part to advertise for the city of Detroit. “Thanks for that bail-out, here is what we have to show for it…”

eTrade Suit-fitting – This cute joke has run its course. From an investor’s standpoint, now all I see from eTrade is that they are run by talking babies. Are there any adults behind the company?

Best Buy: Ozzy Osbourn and Justin Bieber. I’m not sure what Best Buy was trying to sell me. But I got the impression that whatever technology that I buy from them today will be obsolete in a couple of seconds. Even if they will buy it back, I didn’t get the impression that the price they would buy it back would be pennies on the dollar. I’ll take my chances and buy something elsewhere that has some staying power behind it.

Mini car – Stuff the Trunk. I thought this would have some sexual innuendo behind it. It probably did, and it went right over my head. As for the car, I don’t think I’d buy it based on the ability to put a lot of stuff into the rear hatch. I can put a lot more into my 10-year old mini-van.

HomeAway Tourism. I think the point they were trying to make was that hotels don’t treat you right, and that you’ll be cramped to the point where babies will start flying around. I’m not sure how their company will solve that problem and make me confident of their service. I’ll pass.

Groupon Tibet: At first I didn’t know what they were trying to sell. I thought it was some kind of public service announcement for some liberal political group. I think the guys at Groupon should have taken the offer by Google to buy them out. I’m sure their commercial would have had a better point.

Coca Cola Border Crossing – Great visuals. But would it make me want to buy a cola? Probably not.

Chevy Camaro Red Head – “Vampire.” I was so sucked into the visuals and the story line, that I don’t remember what the car looks like nor that it was intended to get me to sell a car.

GoDaddy Danica Patrick – It feels like this company is run by a bunch of college fraternity brothers with a whole bunch of money to blow on parties. What was it that they were trying to sell me? I’m never impressed with the GoDaddy ads, and as a buyer of domain names, I’m more inclined than ever to buy from their competitor namecheap.com.

Audi: Release the Hounds – A prison for ultra wealthy people? What does that have to do with the car? I don’t get it.

Pepsi Max: Can Thrower – I think Pepsi slit their own throat on this ad. The hero of the story is a brow-beaten man that drinks Pepsi Max. Yea… I want to be like him (not). He even helps his bitchy woman get away from the scene of a crime. That was his opportunity to get rid of her. Dude, you blew it; there are much better women out there, and maybe it is the Pepsi Max that is making them that way. Stay way from the brown cola.

Pepsi Max: Shooting Cooler – Not as lame as the bitchy woman throwing cans. But again, the hero of the story is a whimpy, geeky-looking dude. He’s sitting next to the really cool dude with abs like steel. The ice chest shoots out a can of Pepsi Max that smashes a third “preppy looking whimpy dude” in the testicles, and then lays him out by whacking him in the head with another can of pop. Says nothing about the product, except that it is the choice of whimpy looking men.

Chevy: Lassie Truck – I kept hoping to see the truck pushing tommy into the well. But that would have made it an evil truck. Another Vampire commercial; meaning the comedy sucked away the life and the viewer from getting the message of the commercial. The same with the Chevy Senior Citizens commercial.

Bud Light Product Placement – Vampire commercial. The message got its blood sucked out of it. It was trying to be funny, just for the sake of being funny.

CareerBuilder Chimps – What was the point of this ad? What am I supposed to buy? I’m confused.

Bud Light Dog Party – Visually it was cool. But I’m not sure it helps me want to buy their beer.

Mediocre Ads

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Doritos: Pug – The dog is always smarter than the guy. Makes men look like idiots.

Doritos Finger Licking – Do you want to be chased around the office by some geek that wants to lick your fingers. If you do, the Doritos is the brand for you.

Doritos: House Sitting. Everything comes to life when you sprinkle Doritos on it. OK, I get the point. Not a bad ad, but not a great one either.

Kia Optima – Stunning visual effects. I didn’t know it was for the Optima specifically though. I kept thinking the brand was a Hyundai.

Snickers Rosanne Barr – Everyone likes to see her take one on the chin. It was a cheap shot though, and I feel manipulated by Snickers that they had to go after a woman, even if I am not a fan of her.

Teleflora Faith Hill – They did good by getting Faith Hill in the ad. They blew a good thing though. Why does every advertiser have to make men look like complete bumbling idiots and fools?

Pepsi Max First Date – The theme of the ad was good. But Pepsi seems to think this product is meant for dooling men that have no spine in their bodies. I’m not drinking it. Sorry.

Good Ads

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Volkswagen Black Beetle – Very good at getting me interested at seeing what the actual car will look like when it comes out later this year.

Bridgestone Beaver – Good use of story to tell what their product does. I’m impressed to see how good the tires really are. This one makes up for the ad about “Bridgestone Reply All” where the dofus drives around town snatching up everyone’s computers. Like that would stop someone from getting their emails.

Chevy Transformers – I didn’t see this one during the game, but I saw it online. It is a great commercial, and makes the car look really good and powerful. Dude, don’t touch my car or I’ll fling you. Probably the best one of the game.

All these ads can be viewed at: http://superbowlads.fanhouse.com/

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